Fecund

fecund\FEE-kuhnd; FEK-uhnd\, adjective:

1. Capable of producing offspring or vegetation; fruitful; prolific.

2. Intellectually productive or inventive.

It's nighttime now. They are both asleep. Another thing that they are that I am not. I don't think I have slept since my body became mine again, since the hospital. I slept the day they let me out, the day we got back. He said that he would take the baby and that I should rest. So I went to the bed and I rested. I looked at him and I thanked him and I kissed them both on the cheek. I had enough love for them to do that, didn't I? And then I walked up the stairs, ran my hand along the banister, and crawled into bed. I fell asleep almost immediately.

The pillowcase was cool, a blessing on my feverish skin, my throbbing brain. The sheets were a mess and I could almost find the same spot my body had been in before. Before when I could almost pretend that I was still only me. Still just a woman. Still just a wife. The time before that strange sensation came. Before I got myself up for what I assumed would be my nightly communion with the toilet bowl. Before I took a few steps and the fluid started to seep out and scurry down my legs. The time before the beginning of what I knew would be the end. Of me.

Now it is nighttime again. And I know I am no longer just me. I hear the sound of two other sets of lungs breathing. And when I hear that sound and feel their presence, another feeling comes to me. The feeling of my own breath escaping me as if the air were rushing to the sides of the room, as if there were only enough for the other two. That I have to sacrifice. Always sacrifice. And for a moment, I stop breathing at all. For a moment, I wonder if I will ever breathe again. And I wonder if I want to.